Round colorful thingummybobber here:

1.. Where is the START button?

We believe that the START button was far too recognizable as a feature of XP, and so we decided to give it a new look. Also, we wanted to make it more of a challenge for support people to give a description of what you would first click on for access to the rest of Windows.

2.. Where is ALL PROGRAMS?

Having set the first challenge as per above, we thought that you might be getting into the swing of it. So, rather than present you with a cascading list of everything which is installed, you now have to look around the desktop for a clue.. pssst.. the clue is in the new ‘search’ box.

3.. Where is the CLASSIC MENU?

Our records show that nobody still alive knew about the Classic Menu. Are you a Linux spy?

4.. Where is QUICKLAUNCH?

This feature was far too neat and organized and it left too much space free on the taskbar. By pinning program icons onto the new taskbar, you will look far busier than you are even though you may only be playing Solitaire and reading/sending mail occasionally (very important if you are a corporate employee). It will also make you use the new magnifier function when looking for tiny icons interspersed between what you have open on the desktop. Have you tried it yet? Just type ‘Magnifier’ in the search box (omit all parentheses). See how easy that was?

5.. Where is OUTLOOK EXPRESS?

We take all end user complaints very seriously indeed. We recognize that Windows Vi.. Vi.. Vi, the previous version, took up an extraordinary amount of disk space, and that many upgraders to the previous version could not install the operating system onto a 10gb hard drive. In fairness, it is still not possible with Windows 7 but, as a token gesture to the complainers, we have gone some way to reducing bloat by removing a few k of useful code, some of which included a mail client.

Notes: To further enhance Windows 7 slim look, we have made IE8 a removable feature. However, we do not recommend removal of this feature until it has been used to locate a download site for a competing product. You will also need a browser to locate a mail client which is Windows 7 friendly.

Also, look out for the next upcoming release of Windows, code name WUFB (Windows Users Fight Back) which will include new features including a START button, easier to use menu, and something to enable the user to send e-mail without having to look on the Internet for it.

Peace, brothers and sisters..