MERRY CHRISTMAS (In Legalese):

Twas the night before Christmas

E-Bitz - SBS MVP the Official Blog of the SBS "Diva" — Mon, 25 Dec 2006 00:34:52 GMT

Twas the night before Christmas comes in many forms.... The traditional .... The legal .... The techy

re: MERRY CHRISTMAS (In Legalese):

bradley — Wed, 12 Jan 2005 09:20:00 GMT

Happy new year! or to be politically correct happy this year still and happy new year!

Now I understand where the picolytic drive came from

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's
GCSE exams, and are some of
the answers given by British students writing their fifth form GCSE
Exams last year.
These are genuine responses!16 years old and stupid - But we love 'em.

They cheer up a teacher's day no end!

Climate and Environment

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Space and Technology

Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab or Sikh wears on his head.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
[Asian student]

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A: Hands that can be judiciously soft as your face.

Biology

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [The student got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after eight.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like
umbrellas.

"God Save the U.K."

Now I understand where the picolytic drive came from or was that a US invention?

re: MERRY CHRISTMAS (In Legalese):

bradley — Sun, 09 Jan 2005 23:54:00 GMT

And then, there are some people that simply cannot appreciate a good joke.

~A!

re: MERRY CHRISTMAS (In Legalese):

bradley — Mon, 27 Dec 2004 12:56:00 GMT

2 things. First, the name of the 7th reindeer
mentioned is Donder, not Donner. Second, Santa
said "Happy Christmas" not "Merry Christmas".
Other than that, I enjoyed the piece.

re: MERRY CHRISTMAS (In Legalese):

bradley — Sat, 25 Dec 2004 15:02:00 GMT

Schroedinger:

I think your cat is dead.

Or maybe not.

Jason E. Sweat's weblog » Merry Seasonal Holliday

TrackBack — Sat, 25 Dec 2004 13:43:00 GMT

Jason E. Sweat's weblog » Merry Seasonal Holliday

re: MERRY CHRISTMAS (In Legalese):

bradley — Sat, 25 Dec 2004 02:36:00 GMT

As a person with no religious ties I can write this without feeling the need to cover all religions.

As disillusioned engineer writes his perspective is intelligent but very limited to what is known as illusioned engineer pointed out. If columbus stuck to what was "known" to be true and without question in the scientific community we would still think the world was flat. With that said I say this to all "Don't take things for granted or anything at face value or knowledge is limited and until we learn to look past our own beliefs and try the impossible we will eventually cease to learn as our own ego's will block out our ability to see past out noses."

Merry Xmas and Happy New Year to all !!!!

Watching the Watchers.org

TrackBack — Sat, 25 Dec 2004 02:04:00 GMT

Watching the Watchers.org

re: MERRY CHRISTMAS (In Legalese):

bradley — Thu, 23 Dec 2004 21:57:00 GMT

An Highly Illusioned Engineer wrote:

"Santa's sack is a most interesting piece of equipment. The inside is actually not in our universe, thus eliminating the need to account for the incredible mass and volume of the payload. The mouth of the sack is a portal to Santa's transdimensional warehouse, where a team of elves makes sure that all the packages are within arms reach in the order in which they are being delivered."

Could you clarify the word "sack"?

re: MERRY CHRISTMAS (In Legalese):

bradley — Thu, 23 Dec 2004 21:05:00 GMT

Hilbertian space will never be discovered while the "learned " among us continue to play around with garbage like noncommutative ergodic theory. Bring back proper experimental design and see the universe for what it actually is. Let's revive the electrical experiments that create life from iron oxide!

Has anyone seen my cat?

legal/pc merry (christ/x)mas

TrackBack — Thu, 23 Dec 2004 17:07:00 GMT

http://msmvps.com/bradley/archive/2004/12/13/23774.aspx Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, and gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of...

re: MERRY CHRISTMAS (In Legalese):

bradley — Thu, 23 Dec 2004 14:24:00 GMT

i enjoyed the witty legales, try politically correct fairy tales for another laugh! i also enjoyed most of the comments! the last one from a highly illusioned engineer was the best though!! you all have a great time for christmas/winter solstice/holiday season!! (does that cover everyone? )

Physics: Pah!

bradley — Thu, 23 Dec 2004 14:09:00 GMT

There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your science. I have it on good authority that Santa and the elves are not native to this planet; and, as Arthur C. Clark once observed, "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."

For example, you've obviously not considered the time dilation effects of superluminal travel. Or the physiological modification of the reindeer in question. Although still morphologically similar to our wild caribou, they've clearly been enhanced to provide superluminal thrust, not to mention heightened intelligence and the power of speech.

As for the claim that they could not survive such speed in our atmosphere, you are quite right when you assume that they travel unprotected. In fact, they are enclosed in a double cone-shaped force field which gently parts the air through which they are travelling, then allows the air to gently close behind them. Within this "pointy cigar"-shaped field, they carry their own bubble of air. This cone enlongates ahead of and behind them porportional to their speed, thus protecting them and The Claus from the friction of their passage which, as you observe, would otherwise be produced. Note that is also prevents the sonic boom phenomenon (although Santa's team is still working to overcome the optic boom).

Santa's sack is a most interesting piece of equipment. The inside is actually not in our universe, thus eliminating the need to account for the incredible mass and volume of the payload. The mouth of the sack is a portal to Santa's transdimensional warehouse, where a team of elves makes sure that all the packages are within arms reach in the order in which they are being delivered.

I could go on, but the rest is quite unbelievable to persons of our level of technology. I mean, come on; we haven't even discovered Hilbertian space yet, not to mention the picolytic drive!

re: MERRY CHRISTMAS (In Legalese):

bradley — Thu, 23 Dec 2004 13:37:00 GMT

I like cheese.

Dear WHat A Twit

bradley — Thu, 23 Dec 2004 12:34:00 GMT

Your life is short enough as it is - why waste it with a negative outlook and attacks on others?
There really is another way!!!
I pray that you find it as so many others already have.

re: MERRY CHRISTMAS (In Legalese):

bradley — Thu, 23 Dec 2004 12:19:00 GMT

Is 'A very disillusioned Engineer' talking about Quenn Elizabeth I or Queen Elizabeth II? (Just for the record; you understand)

re: MERRY CHRISTMAS (In Legalese):

bradley — Thu, 23 Dec 2004 11:23:00 GMT

"The night Before Christmas" was probably an accurate description of Santa's work 150 years ago, but as a previous correspondent noted, it would violate the laws of physics today.

About 30 years ago NorthPole Corp began outsourcing most functions. The first to go was the actual transportation and delivery Christmas Eve. Even though it's done today by FedEx, Purolator and other couriers, it still remains one of the logistical marvels of the world.

The reindeer, sadly, were auctioned off on Ebay to rich private zoos.

During the 80s and 90s more and more manufacturing was outsourced, and today most is done in China. Apparently Michael Moore is planning to make a documentary about the sad state of the unemployed elves. It will be called "Santa and Me".

Santa has very little involvement in the day-to-day operations of the corporation these days. He is involved in advertising and strategic planning, but little else.

I know many of you don't want to accept this, but it's all true.

Have I ever lied to you before?

re: MERRY CHRISTMAS (In Legalese):

bradley — Thu, 23 Dec 2004 10:57:00 GMT

What's a pagan doing reading Christmas articles?

re: MERRY CHRISTMAS (In Legalese):

bradley — Thu, 23 Dec 2004 09:36:00 GMT

Maybe the red nose is due to friction with the atmosphere at the 650 mps speed. Ruddulph is obviously a very special animal with more than just levitation as one of his (or her) special powers!!!
Have good one.

re: MERRY CHRISTMAS (In Legalese):

bradley — Thu, 23 Dec 2004 07:40:00 GMT

Our disillusioned engineer isn't think 4th dimensionally!